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Much can be avoided by observing boundaries.  

What?!

The term ‘Boundaries’ can be off-putting, as it suggests rules and barbed wire fences, but we have them and attend to them all the time.  Do you open someone else’s desk to look for a stapler?  Do you look at someone else’s email to check a meeting time?   Do you jump into an argument between others?

Or do you want someone telling you how to manage your teen-ager – or your brother reviewing your recent spending choices?  Or a team member correcting your report?

Boundaries.

The reasons boundaries cause trouble include:

• We don’t recognize what is ‘ours’
• We don’t know how to set them
• We aren’t sure if we should or can say what is okay with us or not
• We fear sounding bossy or uncooperative or unfriendly.

With a few (sort of simple) changes, we can learn to recognize, establish, define and ask for boundaries, and prevent a lot of annoyance.  And disaster.

Let us help you and your group get on those- you can Build Better Boundaries.

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The girls are not ready adaptors of the costume custom for Halloween, but they know that the culture of their workplace includes civility, so they are happy to participate.

Alas, their collegiality sometimes calls into question the role of civility in their environment.  There are others who disagree with the custom in general and those who take issue with the specific choices.  And many of them express their disagreement.

One burly fellow snarls at the notion of accepting an idea without having his objections solicited; growling is heard from a few who seem to fear the change and want not to be drawn in; sharp, snippy twists of attitude are displayed by some who are suspicious of whatever motive might underlie this weirdness; and there is always the grumbling from those who dislike anything they haven’t thought of themselves.

The girls do find these responses objectionable, but they’re encouraged to remember that cordial interactions turn out better than disagreements.

And besides, the next time it rains, who will be in a plastic yellow coat?

Want to avoid the Plastic Yellow Coat situation in your workplace?  Send us a message to discuss civility.

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And maybe if you’re a communication skills trainer, every solution looks like better communication.

Considering much of the madness in our lives now, it seems like that bias is credible. Many of the madness moments out there are not ours to solve, but often the tensions of external disruption trickle into our own world and cause disruptions that are ours to solve. And here’s where the communication bias comes in.

Disagreement is everywhere and normal. He wants vanilla, she wants mango-raspberry; this team wants a virtual meeting; that one wants the conference room. From disagreement can grow mischaracterization, personalizing, blaming, stretching of facts, imagining of horrors to come, predictions of doom, and paralysis.  The solution clearly is not to hope for no disagreement, but rather to learn how to do disagreement in a way that is productive. In fact, it is from disagreement that innovation and growth can flourish.

Communication. Let’s learn how to disagree and argue; how to collect information and examine it; how to value different shades of opinion; how to speak and offer ideas without bashing others; how to ask for what you want and how to collaborate. How to act with grace and patience.

It can be done. Let us help. We don’t always have to use our hammers.

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I think about that admonishment when I learn of interactions that at one time would have been considered astonishing and unusual: rude, hurtful, insulting, and damaging words hurled in anger. Disagreements that deserve a conversation, disappointments that deserve a sigh, or annoyances that should cause a ruffle, not a rip are turning into battles. As one manager said about a blow-up over a wrong ink cartridge, “I don’t think we’re talking about the printer.”

Whatever the reasons, ugliness has become common in too many places. Snarls and scowls are routine, and different opinions or ideas are ridiculed or dismissed – or worse. What does one do in the face of such distress? Unfortunately, quick reactions are often more of the same.

Most of us know what responses are suggested: leaving the situation, being calm, revisiting the issue at a later time, not feeding the fire. But it’s hard.

Just being aware that ugliness lurks close to the surface of our civil discourse can sometimes be enough to avoid it, but sometimes not.

Let us know if we can help. Ugliness can be avoided.

If it’s easier, call me directly at 202-298-7700.

Thanks!
Judy

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The girls are ready for Halloween, and they’ve chosen costumes of people we might all recognize.

Every place has at least one Diva, says Alice.  At the dog park the Diva is the one who demands that others play her way, or follow her lead.  She doesn’t always have the best ideas, but she has a forceful presentation, and can be intimidating.  Her bark may be worse than her bite, but who wants to hear that bark!

Jane knows a few Devils.  She says they can show up in unexpected places, turning what starts as a friendly sharing of sniffs into chaos and ruffled fur.  You can’t always tell what will set them off.  And their bites might be just as frightful as their barks.

The girls remind us that difficult personalities can cause trouble in any environment.  Whether we’re in a meeting, working with a team, navigating a new project, or just interacting with one another, someone whose behavior demands attention gets in the way of getting things done.

Alice and Jane are good communicators. They know when to give a lip curl warning or a definitive snarl, when to resist engagement, and when to just walk away.

If you need help knowing when and how to employ your lip curls, snarls, and exits let us know.  Our communication skills courses are just what you need to manage the divas and devils in your world.

Visit our website to learn more about how our courses and services could improve your operations — www.languageatwork.com or call me directly at 202-298-7700.

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“Best to stay away from that person/topic/situation/” becomes a guide for getting through the day.

Many optimistic folks search tips or classes on Persuasion.  Some see a darker picture and opt for Conflict Management.  Others give in to Managing Difficult People.

All efforts to minimize disruption are to be applauded, but when disruption is simmering below the surface of so many conversations, and is so quick to explode into a conflict, one needs more immediate help.  When most interactions are not in person the need intensifies.

For many of us the first reaction to a suggestion of disharmony is defensive, but as soon as we react in this way the battle lines are drawn.  If we can let go of the need to defend whatever we feel is under attack, maybe we can:

• Ask the other person to say more about her idea/statement
• Listen to learn the reasons behind her position
• See if you hear anything that you have in common with her on that topic
• Ask what is her goal or intention. You may be surprised to learn that your goals and intentions are similar.
• Rather than engaging further, suggest that you think about what you’ve heard and agree to talk later.

Here’s what you get for doing all that:  Your emotion can remain contained.  You don’t have to stake a claim to something. You haven’t ‘lost’ anything. You might learn something.

Sometimes we don’t have to persuade or manage someone with whom we disagree.  Sometimes getting clarity can be enough to maintain harmony.

Even the most casual comments can start an argument or create tension these days.   A few quick changes in response can help keep everyone calm.  Contact us to learn how: 202 298 7700 or contactus@languageatwork.com

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